Depression in March

So here's the thing, I've got issues. Occasional spouts of depression caused by irrational thoughts due to past bad experiences. Big trust issues. Abandonment issues. My personal demons love all those things, and especially to twist my thoughts into something ugly. A couple of weeks ago the trigger was something as silly as the people I play games with on the weekends playing on a server that I can't join due to geographical limitations. I know it doesn't mean anything, but try telling me that when I'm neck deep in depression.

What happened was not quite unlike the scene in LotR: The Two Towers where we can see the Gollum and Smeagol personalities talking to each other.

Inner dialogs can be a bitch, especially when the negative side wins. Things usually go back to normal after a few days, but what if these depression episodes (for a lack of better word) never had to happen? For that to happen, I don't really know how to get to that point.

I remember exactly when most of these issues can be traced back to, how a best friend and a past girlfriend hooked up basically right in front of me. Something inside me broke that day, large parts of who I was back then simply shut down. To this day, almost 20 years later, I'm still having a hard time even thinking about it, much less expressing my thoughts and feelings with words.