Mr Konc, I presume?

The thoughts of an aging tiny giant

I basically suck at expressing the turmoil going on inside me, and I don't have a good outlet for it so instead I just turn inward. Part of the reason I set up this website is because I'm trying to find a way to vent some of the things I've pent up over time. Another reason is quite simply that I want to become better at writing! So this is me starting the Big Purge.

Looking back not too long ago, less than a year, things were going well in my life. Granted, I wasn't very happy with my day job, but I had a lot of other things to make up for it. Friends both online that I talked to and played games with regularly, and ones that I hung out with AFK. I was part of an amazing community, and I had some plans for the future, things I wanted to do.

Things change, though, and quite often not in ways you want them to change. A lot has happened in this last year, and I feel I've lost my way. Lost my place in the community, and my sense of purpose. Even lost myself a bit.

I still love the 42nd community immensely, I just don't know where I belong in it. Earlier I knew what I was doing, and I knew my role in it. Now I'm standing on the sidelines, replaced. Like I'm not needed for anything anymore.

Friends, well, the group of people I used to play with on a regular basis kind of drifted apart. I still play with one or two semi-regularly, but others have mostly moved on to servers I simply can't play on due geographical limitations.

I still see my AFK friends now and then, but my periods of depression have made me more of a recluse.

As previously mentioned I had plans to visit a girl in Ottawa. Well, I went. And unfortunately it didn't work out too well. I'm still a bit broken up about it even though it's been a month now since I got back home. I may write more in depth about it, or I might not. We'll see what happens.

Overall I'm sad and lonely, and sometimes I'm just emotionally drained. Right now I'm hurting, but I'm going to be okay!

At PAX East 2014 I had an idea for a story I wanted to write, loosely inspired by DayZ adventures witnessed and imagined. Over the last year, I've tried but I just can't seem to get it out of my head and put into words. The idea is like a tantalizing mist; I can see it, but it's not substantial enough for me to grab hold of and do something with it.

Not being able to move past the most basic outline of this project frustrates me very much, and I don't know how to proceed from here. I guess I need to learn storytelling, how to structure and build a story and things like that.

#writing

As of right now I only have one work day left before I go on vacation again, and come Monday I fly out to Ottawa to be with my girl. It will be a trip of firsts; my first time in Canada, first time I visit her, meeting her friends for the first time. And then there's my first poutine. Maybe I'll see my first NHL game live and so on. Needless to say I'm very excited about most of these things and quite nervous regarding a few.

At the same I can feel my demons filling my head with uncertainty. What if she changes her mind, or she doesn't want you to come. What if ten days is too long. What if she figures out she doesn't like you. What if her friends hate you? What if you're there a couple of days and things just don't work out?

When the thoughts get overwhelming, I sometimes need to remind myself just to breathe. Thank you for that, Ze Frank!

I liked the hosted Ghost blog platform and being able to write things using markdown, but I couldn't shake the feeling of being stuck in a cramped space that comes with not having full access. I felt exactly the same way each time before I've done the switch from iOS to Android (three times so far).

“Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more.” — Henry V, by William Shakespeare

So, I'm back with Wordpress now.  By using this self-hosted platform, I can basically do whatever I want whenever I want. I've been here before, and it's familiar territory.

Now you might ask “But why don't you host a Ghost blog yourself?” and it's a very good question. I tried doing exactly that a couple of times, but the setup isn't as straight forward as installing Wordpress. And I'm not even sure if self-hosted Ghost has plugin support the way Wordpress does, once again I want to be able to customize things my own way. Oh, and I'm really lazy. ;)

The next thing on my to-do list is to find a theme I feel I can live with because I really don't like the way the default theme looks.

#blogging #Ghost #WordPress

So here's the thing, I've got issues. Occasional spouts of depression caused by irrational thoughts due to past bad experiences. Big trust issues. Abandonment issues. My personal demons love all those things, and especially to twist my thoughts into something ugly. A couple of weeks ago the trigger was something as silly as the people I play games with on the weekends playing on a server that I can't join due to geographical limitations. I know it doesn't mean anything, but try telling me that when I'm neck deep in depression.

What happened was not quite unlike the scene in LotR: The Two Towers where we can see the Gollum and Smeagol personalities talking to each other.

Inner dialogs can be a bitch, especially when the negative side wins. Things usually go back to normal after a few days, but what if these depression episodes (for a lack of better word) never had to happen? For that to happen, I don't really know how to get to that point.

I remember exactly when most of these issues can be traced back to, how a best friend and a past girlfriend hooked up basically right in front of me. Something inside me broke that day, large parts of who I was back then simply shut down. To this day, almost 20 years later, I'm still having a hard time even thinking about it, much less expressing my thoughts and feelings with words.

#depression

This year, unlike last year when there was really nice weather in Boston for PAX East, there was snow and freezing weather. It actually wasn't as bad as I feared it would be, I didn't have to dress any warmer than I have all winter here in Stockholm. The PAX expo itself felt smaller somehow this year, I guess because some big companies like Ubisoft weren't there. I guess also because GDC was just before PAX, and presumably going straight from one (event, and coast) to the other (event, and coast) made things difficult. Hopefully next year it will be better, seeing how PAX East will happen on April 22-24.

The people were wonderful as always, I can't help but feel that they are “my people”. Mah peeps. Always good company and fun times spent with them.

The food, don't even get me started. So good. The last day a bunch of us went out towards the Harvard campus and Andrew took us to an excellent sushi place. Hands down the best sushi I've had to date! There were five of us sharing $200 worth of sushi, so you know nobody had to walk away hungry.

And I met someone. Actually, technically we did meet last year, a friend of a friend kind of thing. We've kept in touch over the last year, and when we met in Boston this year we just clicked. But that's a whole different story to be told some other time.

#Boston #PAXEast

Demons. We've all got them. The voices in the back of our heads that feed off our insecurities, and that whisper to us seductively as they're chipping away at our sanity, our confidence, at the very core of our beings.

#depression

Why Ghost? Well, I say why not. It feels like an innovative and (relatively) new blog platform. And I happen to like Markdown.

So now what?

Now I finish setting up the blog, then cancel my Squarespace and Tumblr accounts. Or rather, I think I'll leave my Tumblr but move the MrKonc.com domain from there.

Any questions? Yeah, I've got one. Does Ghost support “pages”, instead of just blog entries?

#blogging #Ghost

For a long time I've wanted to be able to do some good with my gaming and streaming, to take it to a whole new level. Watching zh1nt0 do his charity stream has been truly inspiring, but I've not yet figured out what cause(s) I wish to support. And to be honest, I'm not sure I could pick one on my own to save my life. Thankfully, I don't have to.

I recently got word that Sacriel is planning to do a 24 hour charity stream in support of Operation Supply Drop. So I figured, why not join his fundraising team? That way I can start doing good and not have to feel like an indecisive asshole for never actually choosing a charity. When I get back from PAX East I'm going to start raising money for Operation Supply Drop.

So what is Operation Supply Drop?

Well, I could try to write something about it. Or I could just embed the “What is Operation Supply Drop?” videothey've made.

This all being said, I'm kinda scared witless thinking about raising money for something that is important to a lot of people. I don't want to be the guy who doesn't manage to raise anything, y'know. I don't have any experience with raising money for a cause or charity and I'd appreciate any advice, especially from people who have done charity streams and stuff like that before.

If you have any advice you'd like to share with me, please do so by leaving a comment below.

#charity #streaming

I fully intended on writing updates from PAX East every day, but I've been unable to. The experience of visiting the US for the first time, and visiting PAX for the first time (or at all) is simply overwhelming. I'm just taking it all in but it's going to take quite some time to process it all before I can put words to what I'm feeling.

Let me just say that so far, the trip has been nothing but wonderful. The people are wonderful, the country is awesome and the food... don't even get me started on the food. Nom!

#PAXEast #travel