Mr Konc, I presume?


It's been a while, I know. Then again I never committed to doing this on a regular basis, but rather to keep it as a sort of outlet for myself. To write for me instead of for others to read. And even if I'm super bad at venting about my own problems and stuff, even I have my limits to how much I can take on before I break. I've been carrying something around inside for a while now, and I think it's time to let it out. My dad's health hasn't been very good in some time. He has type 2 diabetes, and while that isn't too bad (relatively), it can be serious if you don't manage it properly.

Earlier this year both mom and dad got a really bad case of the flu, and at the same time dad was hospitalized due to severe pneumonia. This somehow seems to have messed with his insulin dosage, and before it was sorted out he ended up being in a car accident. From what I've understood he got really confused due to his blood sugar levels being way off because of the now “faulty” insulin dosage. Thankfully nobody got hurt in the accident, but the car got really banged up and because of the accident dad's license got pulled.

To continue, my dad isn't very good at managing his diabetes. He doesn't doesn't always eat regularly and a lot of the time he doesn't eat very well. I'm glad at least mom's there to make sure he does eat better than he has before, but whatever.

This summer I decided to only use two weeks of my vacation, and I spent it mostly at my folks' place in my old hometown Borås. When I was there mom let me know that dad had what Google Translate says is renal failure. I won't pretend to know what that means, other than it involves kidneys and isn't a positive thing. And on top of that I saw how frail my dad has become lately. Gets winded easily etc. I guess it might partly have to do with him getting older, he turns 66 in less than a month.

Anyway, a few weeks ago he was getting a checkup for the renal failure thing, taking tests or whatever, and they noticed something in his urinary bladder. Which turned out to be a tumor. Mom called me at the end of my work day that day, it was a Monday. What a way to start the week. But I digress. Mom further told me that they didn't know much more at the time but that he would be prioritized for surgery. They didn't know if it was a benign or malignant tumor. If it's spread or not.

And this week mom called me again to let me know that my dad's finally gotten scheduled for surgery on the 22nd this month. And on the 15th he's going in for a pre-operation checkup or something. I guess that's where we find out if it's just this one tumor or if it's spread or what's up. After talking to my mom for a bit she also told me that dad had said that if it turns out to be something serious, that it's spread, he doesn't want to go through treatment for it (meaning chemotherapy etc), but that he'd rather live as he is. I guess he remembers how bad it was at times for my grandmother.

Oh, and that's another thing. My grandmother died from cancer. As I've understood it, and I could be wrong here so don't quote me on this, she had a few different types of cancer. Or maybe it was just one type that spread or something. And some years ago my mom got breast cancer (thankfully it was found early, and she's all good now). But it really doesn't feel very hopeful for my future, if you know what I mean. Go team Konc.

And ever since I saw what shape my dad is in this summer I've been thinking on and off about the mortality of those close to you. Family members. Especially parents. I mean, of course I know that it's natural for children to outlive their parents but at the same time... you usually don't have to think about them passing on. And as both you and they grow older, I guess there comes a point when you'd best start preparing yourself.

Even if my dad's tumor is benign and the surgery goes really well and his renal failure gets sorted (if it even can “get sorted”), it's literally only a matter of time, nobody lives forever. And that sort of thinking can be really depressing. And coupled with the fact that my family doesn't have the best track record when it comes to tumors and cancer, what does it mean for me and my brother?

So yeah, my mind's been in a dark place this last month or so and I've been really emotional. And I'm still struggling with depression from before all this. Or maybe it's due to it. Sometimes it's hard to tell what's what.

#depression #family #health

So here's the thing, I've got issues. Occasional spouts of depression caused by irrational thoughts due to past bad experiences. Big trust issues. Abandonment issues. My personal demons love all those things, and especially to twist my thoughts into something ugly. A couple of weeks ago the trigger was something as silly as the people I play games with on the weekends playing on a server that I can't join due to geographical limitations. I know it doesn't mean anything, but try telling me that when I'm neck deep in depression.

What happened was not quite unlike the scene in LotR: The Two Towers where we can see the Gollum and Smeagol personalities talking to each other.

Inner dialogs can be a bitch, especially when the negative side wins. Things usually go back to normal after a few days, but what if these depression episodes (for a lack of better word) never had to happen? For that to happen, I don't really know how to get to that point.

I remember exactly when most of these issues can be traced back to, how a best friend and a past girlfriend hooked up basically right in front of me. Something inside me broke that day, large parts of who I was back then simply shut down. To this day, almost 20 years later, I'm still having a hard time even thinking about it, much less expressing my thoughts and feelings with words.


Demons. We've all got them. The voices in the back of our heads that feed off our insecurities, and that whisper to us seductively as they're chipping away at our sanity, our confidence, at the very core of our beings.